Broken Pieces

Heather
Jul 19, 2017
6 min read

I am overwhelmed.

I expected to be overwhelmed because of our lack of financial security, culture shock, or a lack of sleep. Instead I'm overwhelmed for two of our boys that have severe food issues, for our 3 boys that pee in their bed, for the deep hurt that our boys feel from their horrible past experiences.

I'm overwhelmed because our 10 year can't yet trust us to provide for him. I watched our boy with the sweetest heart cry for hours after confessing that he had stolen money from us... again. Gaining his trust has been filled with huge hills and valleys. After 8 months of hard work he comes for a hug first thing every morning, he told me once "you are the best mom," he brings me flowers, and requests a hug/kiss at bedtime. Those things are magical. His progress is the greatest gift that he could possibly give to us. He is brimming with potential. We can see his heart, his sweet sweet heart. He LOVES animals and wants to be a veterinarian some day. He CAN DO IT. He really can do it. The thing that terrifies me, that makes me sick, that shows up in my head is that he might choose a different life. What if we are doing the wrong things to guide him? What if he does not want us to? What if we can't convince him fully that we really really do care about him like we say we do?

I'm overwhelmed that our 9 year old still is holding onto that 1% of doubt that we are safe to be around. Bob and Antonio wrestling against 11 little boys on a wrestling mat (floor of mattresses) seems to fulfill a part of them that I never could. The way they laugh, hysterical belly laughs, can't be heard any other time. When Bob play-wrestled with the boys at first, our boy would always stand against the wall with a deadly serious/worried stare on their face. He would monitor the room, always watching, like he was expecting bob to "freak out" and could be ready when he does. After about 6 months his expression began to change from serious/worried to confused. He would sometimes take a step towards the game but immediately think better of it and step back. After another 2 months he now participates and enjoys play-wrestling. It has been incredible to witness this transition. He occasionally pokes fun at Bob now. Bob will say "you guys are punks!" He will respond "no... you are... that" and then grin like he told the best joke anyone has ever thought of. Every time I tuck him in at night he hugs me like he will NEVER SEE ME AGAIN. He grips me SO tight it hurts. When I tell him "I love you" he giggles... and says "me too" while nervously glancing all around. Sometimes, though, his eyes get wide and you will hear us quietly telling him "remember that Bob will never hurt you, he is just playing. Has Bob ever hurt you?" We constantly are repeating that we love him, we are happy to have him in our family and that he is safe. It is my greatest hope for him that he can, someday, feel secure. It rips my heart open that he feels responsible to protect himself and is only 9. He is always on guard, ready to run when the situation changes.

I am overwhelmed that our teenager thinks that we are funny. He has shared so much of his pain and his past with us but it has only revealed to us more of what makes him so absolutely special. He is filled with a drive to succeed that is astounding. He struggles with so much hurt but, amazingly, is also filled with so much love. He told me "this is the weirdest family I've ever been in." I heard "I feel like a part of your family." He thanked us for being fun, our teenager thanked us for being fun. Did you miss that? Our teenager... thanked us... for being fun. We are abundantly blessed and I thank God daily that I get to be in this amazing young mans life. He is so grown up in so many ways that he does not need someone to simply tell him what to do, he needs someone to support him while he puts his own pieces together. It has been our joy to love him and it will continue to be our joy as we continue to experience life watching our son grow up.

I often find myself just sitting and looking at our boys. I wake up early on the weekends and sit and drink coffee at our dinner table, surrounded by their bunk beds. I pray over their hurts, their progress, and their future. I love them in a way that I never could have imagined before. I love every one of their broken pieces and walking with them while we begin to pick them up. Someday they will begin putting them back together but today it is a great privilege that they allow me to walk alongside them and hold their hand through the storms.

I feel blindsided, shocked, taken-aback, and in awe every day. I cry with them when they tell me a piece of their past. I rock them like they are my babies, because they are my babies. I didn't grow them like the baby in my stomach but I love them fiercely. I feel honored that they can trust me with things they have locked away in their little minds. Things they tell us that leave us jaw-dropped, unable to respond. Unable to respond except, "oh yeah?!" then we sneak off alone and discuss how to handle it. I do not pretend to have the answer for them but we hug them tight while they begin to process it for the first time. We assure them that none of the bad-stuff from before is their fault. We remind them that God is watching over their hearts even today. We tell them how beautiful they are, how unique they are, and what a great man they will be some day. We speak against the deep shame and responsibility that many of them feel. We remind them that perfection is something nobody could ever reach anyways.

For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God

Romans 3:23

Every night I sing our wedding song to the two little ones while I tuck them into bed and every time the lyrics "Watching you stand alone, all of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow. One step closer" jump out at me.

I think about our boys trying to figure things out on their own all this time. I pray that we can have what it takes to walk with them. I think how many steps of progress it will take to get them to "healthy" and how it may be years but they are worth every single stressful second. They are worth the chaos. They are worth loosing sleep. They are worth the hours of research we have done. They are worth every penny that they have stolen. They are worth it, all of it and so much more. They are priceless. I laughed out loud when someone said "those boys are so lucky to have you." That is SO off base. We are lucky, and it's not even close. We have this life full of joy, progress, successes, love and, hope.

How lucky are we? Seriously lucky, seriously blessed. I don't know what our future holds but I know for now we are exactly where we are supposed to be, walking with our Father.

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Since may we have went up to 13 boys and back down to 12 twice. Our niece is visiting for a month. She has been a huge help and the boys are so excited she's here. We are continuing to work on our finances and although our business income has dropped lately, our fund raised money has increased a bit. This has allowed us to continue some progress. I am currently 26 weeks pregnant. I am feeling great and only having a few symptoms.

Our current status:

Savings account balance: $15.40 (Goal $2,500)

Cost for Baby Doctor: $1504/$2,175.00 remaining

Cost to stay in the city to have baby: $2,000.00

State tax debt: $301.52/$560.00 remaining

Federal tax debt: $2,260.00

Unemployment over payment debt: $2,563.00

Heather's Federal Student loans: $21,038.36

Bob's Federal Student Loans: $117,429.80

Total current debt: $145,096.68

As a reminder:

All donations are now tax deductable!