All of God's Children
Being 8 months pregnant and fostering 12 boys is not what some people said it would be like... and I'm not surprised at all.
I have heard:
When you have your own baby you will feel differently.
Having your own baby will change your priorities.
You know what I mean, your own baby is different.
You have to move home, you are having a baby. You need to think about your own family.
You are just going to have a baby there.... then what?
That last one especially cracks me up. Um... then... we will have a baby of course!
I smile and say something like "Our boys are our babies!" When they give me the "you just don't understand because you haven't given birth yet but you will" look I remind myself that no matter what I say it would be impossible to fully explain our life. How can I explain what it was like the first time one of the boys opened up to me about their abuse? Called me mamma? Told me "you are the best mom." Walked up to me just to get a hug? The fist time they stole from us and we assured them we would not kick them out of our room? The first time they asked me "so can you help me with being sick?" The first time they said "I get to ask for a birthday present!?" The long nights when they are sad, the 5:30 mornings to get them ready for school, doing my best to rock a boy that is nearly my size while they cry. How could anyone fully understand?
After 9 months of full time house parenting we have been completely transformed. The boys have taught us how real love works. The kind of love that Jesus talks about. We have failed over and over again to be perfect parents. We have finally become certain that we can't be perfect parents. We have let them down in numerous situations and they have forgiven us. We have lost our temper, been impatient, and said the wrong things. Yet they lean on us. The boys, the little ones especially, look at us in a way we do not deserve. We realize that only God can make no mistakes. Only God can love perfectly, we just have to do our best to follow his lead. Our biggest challenge was to try and show the boys Gods love but I have come to think that they know it better than we do.
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. -Romans 5:8
The last time we were home visiting, my mom bought us a book titled "No matter what." The book is about a little boy that worries his mother does not love him and provides her with a variety of scenarios in which, he thinks, she may no longer love him. She reassures him and by the end of the book he is happy and feels loved again. The boys request this book at bedtime most nights and quote it throughout the day. If I say "I love you." They answer "no matter what?"
Many of our boys were let down in their early life by the very people that were supposed to love and care for them. This is an enormous tragedy that we face every day. We fight to send the message to our boys that they are safe with us and we love them no matter what, that we will be there for them, that we are in it for the long haul. Sometimes it feels as if they are challenging us: "How about now? Do you still love me now?" Being calm and consistent in stressful situations shows our boys they are safe with us. It helps them see that we can handle the big things for them, as adults should. It gives them a safe place to be a kid again. The first thing that is always said before any discussion is "Do you remember what we said? We will always love you, your behavior can't change how much I love you."
Our 12 foster children are God's babies, just like the baby growing in my stomach belongs to Him as well. God chose to let this baby grow in my stomach and have us as parents just as He decided that our boys would have us for parents. When I feel our daughter kick I am reminded of how each of our boys grew in their mothers womb. Their mother felt them kick for the fist time, felt them grow, and heard their first cry. They were all born to a family, they all are someones biological baby. They are all so so special, just as Seraphim is. Many of them have mothers that loved them deeply but were not able to provide, or to protect them. I want our baby to be loved and cared for. If something was to ever happen to us, I hope that whoever would care for Seraphim would love her as their own. Every child deserves to be loved the way God intended, regardless of the womb they grew in. God gave us our 12 sons just as He gave us Seraphim. Our children are all wonderful, special and amazing. Being pregnant has made me realize that even more. It has hardly changed how I feel about parenting them.
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. -Psalm 139:13-14
We raise all 12 of our boys, to the best of our ability, as we will raise Seraphim. There are some legal/financial realities that prevent things from being exactly the same of course. We can't take them all home for Christmas. We live with the reality that they could be placed with a different family, in some cases with their biological family at some time. Part of parenting our boys is taking them to scary/emotional court hearings. Financially, we will be responsible to provide clothing, food, schooling, medical care for our daughter, the Fundacion provides that for our sons. So, yes, the reality is that some things are different but many things are exactly the same.
It feels some how wrong or naive that we aren't scared to have a baby. We have already parented a toddler, child, and teenager. A baby is new territory but somehow we feel ready. We are convinced we aren't perfect people or parents so just don't feel that pressure. We aren't perfect and I thank God that I am not evaluated based on my actions. I am simply a daughter and he is a perfect father. We are hardly perfect but one thing is certain: my sons are my sons, nothing else even needs to be brought up.
He does not punish us for all our sins; he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve. -Psalm 103:10
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Today I am 9 months pregnant and, according to our midwife, full term. We are currently in Guatemala city. We are staying at a friends house here until baby Seraphim comes. Our wonderful friend Sophia is watching our boys while we have our baby. We have been able to video chat with them often but we still miss them a lot. We came to the city to give birth with a midwife that speaks English, and has a more comfortable facility than the local hospitals in Huehue.
I've gained 20 pounds so far. I am feeling great, no heartburn, no swelling, no headaches, its just slightly harder to move around now and I become easily out of breath. Bob and I have been exercising and walking at least an hour every day in an attempt to prepare for labor. Baby Seraphim kicks vigorously much of the day and night, it seems like she is eager to come out. We are eager to meet her too!
We are reading birth/labor books and about newborn care. I've unpacked most of our baby stuff that we brought with us. I'm attempting to organize everything to make it a bit easier, I also feel a bit like that is futile. We start our baby classes on the 26th. We are being given private classes in English by our midwife. Are we ready for a newborn? I imagine that no matter what we do to prepare we will feel surprised and overwhelmed in the first few weeks. We are so blessed to have my mom, grandma, and little brother flying in on October 11th. They will be staying with us for 2 months! At first we will be here in the city then when Seraphim and I are ready back to Huehue to see our boys. Afterwards we will fly to Michigan with them to visit for Christmas.
I am due October 22nd but have a feeling she will be coming earlier than that. What's your guess?
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Our current status:
(Started May, 2017)
Savings account balance: $312.16 (Goal $2,500)
Baby Doctor: $0/$2,175.00 remaining
State tax debt: $0/$560.00 remaining
Federal tax debt: $2231.41/$2,330.00 remaining
Estimated Quarterly taxes due $2,260
Unemployment over payment debt: $2,563.00
Heather's Federal Student loans: $21,038.36/$21,023.00
Bob's Federal Student Loans: $118,460.61/$117,429.80
Total current debt: $146,553.38/$148,340.16
Paid off $1,786.78 since May, 2017
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Some current/upcoming expenses for us include:
$1000 Rent/Food while staying in the city
$140 Taxi's to and from appointments while staying in the city
$300 Baby's Passport
$50 Traveling back to Huehue after the birth
?? Baby Crib
$1500 Paperwork to become permanent residents of Guatemala
$300 Christmas gifts for the boys
And of course paying down our debt!!!
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