Love, change, and truth

My understanding of love has evolved over my life. I first loved my family when I was a kid, I loved my boyfriend when I was a teenager, I love my husband as an adult. These past 14 months I’ve been learning the new depths of love as a mother. I am taken aback by how quickly my love can grow, yet again, for my children. In January I told my son “I don’t love you because of who people think you are or because of your talents. I love you.”

The more I learn about each of my children the more that love grows.

Antonio’s laugh makes me feel warm and fuzzy every time I hear it, his heart for others leaves me feeling challenged, his inner strength is like none I have witnessed before. Gerson’s creativity is incredible, he is becoming so mature, and he is such a good big brother. Joshua’s sweet heart, his relationship with God, and his care with Seraphim. Antoni’s laugh, his hugs, his love for animals. Jairon’s giggle, his progress, his quiet observation. Nelson’s incredible brain, his spazzy-ness, his hard work. Elmer’s quick wit, his determination, his perseverance. Milton’s strange observations, his laugh, his helpfulness. Marlon’s toothless smile, his drawings, his hugs. Angel’s pronunciation, his run, his affection. Seraphim’s silly grin, her chubby legs, her crazy hair. Bob’s strength in difficult times, his dedication to our family, his gentleness. I am surrounded and taken over by the strength of it all. I first thought that I came here to show love, but I have been shown SO MUCH MORE love than I ever could have provided.

The boys came home from school today with a frozen-gelatin "Popsicle." They all offered me a bite. They don't exactly have access to treats like that every day. They are not appealing to me in the least bit, but to them... its a BIG deal and they OFFERED IT TO ME. Later a group came and brought snacks and cake. Without asking they got a plate of cake for Bob and I and brought it to us. We have great kids. They are considerate, kind, and generous.

In the midst of great bonding and progress in our family things have been hard lately. Last year we felt rock solid in where we belonged. We could clearly see our future with our sons. Things are scary now, we jumped in with both feet without looking and have fallen so in love with them.

Instability and changes in who we work for have been scary. In addition, we are living on next to nothing and paying a fortune ($578 this month!) for baby vaccinations. We are budgeting but sometimes need to feed our boys when the kitchen runs out of food. What if we aren't feeding them healthy enough? Stress.

In October we had a baby. How marvelous she is, shes a gift and has been a joyful addition to our family.

13 kids.

One of our son’s went to be with his mother.

12 kids.

Some of the boys sister’s joined our room, reunification, joy.

18 kids

One of our sons, three of our daughters left. Change, mourning, joy, worry, concern, acceptance.

14 kids.

One of our girls wanted to switch rooms.

13 kids.

We were forced to move the remaining two girls to a all- girl’s room. The psychologist lied to the girls, told them they had a choice but after they chose us, it was revealed the decision had been made. Heartbreak, confusion, helplessness.

11 kids.

There is a long long story behind it, but to keep it short, we used to be employed by Story International. As their employees, we were placed in the Fundacion Salvacion as house parents. There was a separation. In order to stay with our boys we left Story and now are employed directly by the Fundacion. There has been great turnover in the staff here and a few rule changes. The past weeks have felt unstable and to be honest, terrifying. Love has its hold on us and it has been difficult to keep our focus on God instead of focusing and holding tight, only, to our sons.

Sometimes, when I am feeling scared, I cry to God and beg Him to let me stay with my sons (not my best shining moments, but its the truth.)

When I am feeling really brave I thank Him for loving me and for allowing me to love 11 of His children.

I have been covered in prayer in a way that I don't deserve. Every time we eat their prayers start out “Dear God, thank you for this day. Thank you for Bob, Heather, and Seraphim….” We are blessed, and sometimes feel a joy that we have never experienced before. It can be difficult to remember that on the scary days though.

Yesterday the Fundacion ran out of snack. The boys had rice for breakfast (does that sound strange to you? There isn’t much money in the Fundacion these days. Sometimes the meals consist of just rice, or just beans.) The boys had rice with hot dog pieces for lunch. For snack they had oranges. We went to get the oranges for our room and they were all gone. We had 6 hungry boys and no snack. (The other boys were out with a group.) I made tortillas and put tomato sauce and bits of chopped veggies on top. BAM pizza for snack. When the boys caught on that they were getting "pizza" for snack they started to jump up and down. Antoni said “thanks mom!” Joshua smiled and said “thanks mommy!” Jairon hesitated and then quietly chimed in “Thanks mom” and then wrapped his arms around me and clung for 3 minutes. My heart became even more full. It is a great responsibility and I feel honored to hold this title. Last month three of the boys called me mom and two called Bob “Papi.” Now of all times, in the midst of uncertainty 7 of them call me mom and three call Bob “papi.”

After reflection, we realized we had become comfortable. We have always been hopeful some of our boys would be reunited with their families and were prepared, emotionally, for that shift. The chance, no matter how small that we would be forced to leave them all at once is so scary!

We are reminded of the truth that all of our children are first God’s.