New Baby, Same Heart
Heather's perspective
Caring for a baby has, overall, been much easier than I’d imagined it would be. It's not as stressful, it's not as scary, it has not made me doubt myself. It is time consuming, it takes about as much time as caring for all of the other 9 boys put together. Her needs need to come first, she is a baby after all. Diapers, spit up, feeding, changing, wash clothes on an on and on. But I like this little person we have in our life. I was preparing for sibling rivalry before she was born but I was not prepared for them to be as concerned about her needs as I am. Some morning the boys eat breakfast alone when Seraphim needs a diaper change...and to cuddle… and to be in the dark… and to fall asleep again at 6 AM. The boys rise to the occasion, they love their little sister. When she cries she is surrounded by support… woah. It takes me by surprise how much they love her.
Some of the boys are securely attached to us and consider us to be their parents, some of the boys think us to be on the level of a camp counselor, mentor, or a teacher. I’d say we have the best relationship with our 15 year old. Before having Seraphim I considered him my son. My real son. I was advised multiple times that what I was feeling for him would not compare to how a mother feels about her biological child. In my experience this has not been true. The following is what our experience, from my perspective, has been like.
Seraphim was in the hospital for a week after her birth.
Antonio was coming from Huehue on a bus to spend the week with us. On Oct. 16th, I woke up with contractions in the night. We went to Antigua and walked around, I got checked out, not active labour yet. Contractions all day and all the next day on the 17th. We went to my scheduled midwife appointment at 4pm. I was having inconsistent contractions over a minute long. She decided we needed to stay, I was in active labour. Seraphim was born the 18th late morning.
I had a great birth I’d say. I was more tired than I ever remember being ever before. I cried in the middle of the night because I wanted to take a nap and the contractions kept bothering me too much to nap. Not because it hurt, because I was tired. I did not expect that. After hours of sleepy misery it was time and the birth was pretty fast.
It was time to push and thank God because I am ready to sleep already… geez. It was not very painful and not very scary until “we need you to push the baby out next push because her heart rate is dropping.” They were assuring me everything would be ok but I knew they were trying to not scare me. There may be a problem with Seraphim. I wasn’t scared, I was tired. I don’t need to worry about her, God loves her more than I ever could and He is in control. She will be fine. Seraphim will be fine. They are whispering to each other, they don’t want me to worry. I know that but I am firmly not worried, I just want to sleep. Seraphim will be fine.
Last push she is out, I am handed my baby. She stirs a bit. I hold her, I notice her purple lips, her pretty eyes. She is so scrunched up and teeny. She is purple, I expected that though. I am not worried. Bob seems worried. My mom and grandma are concerned, the midwives are calm and capable, but seem very concerned. I held her, we took a few pictures. She didn’t start breathing, still normal the cord hasn't been cut yet. She isn’t moving much, rub her back, talk to her. She is moving now, and she cried a little bit, everyone is relieved.
Time to cut the cord, Bob didn’t want to before but now he will. He is brave, he is excited to have a baby. They cut the cord. I hold her. Rub her back, ok, she is not breathing, rub her back, ok she is breathing. Bob takes off his shirt, he holds her, she is purple. She isn’t breathing well. Grandma and great grandma hold her. She is purple. I want to get out of the tub and go to bed. I feel fine guys, they help me get up. I’m fine. Where am I? I passed out, haha I’ve never passed out before. Why is everyone fussing?
I’m in bed, they give me crackers, she is in my arms again. I eat a cracker. She isn’t breathing well, they take her and clean out her mouth and lungs. They keep apologizing that I can’t hold her. Why are they apologizing? I’m frickin tired, and if she isn’t breathing I shouldn’t be holding her anyways.They need to clean her out again.
I’m worried. Hey, isn’t Antonio getting here on a bus right now? What time is it? He is coming to spend the week in the city with us and the new baby. I am really excited to see him again, it's been over a month. We have been in the city waiting to have the baby, he is in Huehue.
They give the baby oxygen. My mom leaves in an Uber to go get Antonio from the bus station. I am relieved. They give Seraphim back, she is a bit pink, oh good. Our midwife tried to help me breastfeed her for a few minutes but Seraphim was 0% interested and they told me “I think we may need to call a pediatrician to come check her out.” She is purple again. Um... Guys she isn’t breathing at all. Can you take her?
She was taken to be suctioned again, I laid down to sleep. They know what they are doing.
No surprise to me she stopped breathing again, she was suctioned yet again. They approached me quietly and softly “The pediatrician is isn’t answering the phone. We may need to take her to the hospital.” Ok, good, finally, take her to the hospital so they can help her breathe correctly.
Who will go? Bob, I’m fine you go. Bob and the midwives take Seraphim to the hospital. Bring the oxygen tank. It’s quiet now, oh good. I fall asleep.
A taxi pulls up. Hi Antonio! My mom asks where is the baby? Oh, they took her to the hospital. My mom looks scared, it makes me feel a bit scared for a second then for some reason I feel offended. Mom, she will be fine, they are just checking her out. My mom is talking to my grandma. I am happy to see my son, I missed him.
I fall asleep. Bob calls, they hand me the phone. Bob won’t talk to my grandma. He wants to talk to me. He has been crying. There is something wrong with the baby. I shrug, she will be fine God will take care of her. Don’t worry honey, it’s ok. She has pneumonia, Bob said the doctor told him “she might make it?” The hospital needs 10,000Q deposit or they will stop treating her. Bob uses our debit card but the bank freezes it. We have a $1,000 daily limit. They don’t know what to do. I’m trying to think how we can get money. My grandma sits with me. Don’t worry about money I will take care of it, worry about yourself and your baby. I feel great peace.
My mom takes a taxi and my grandmas debit cards to pay the bills. Bob calls. The hospital bill is already 17,000Q. She is on a breathing machine. She will be in the ICU. Fine. It's fine, Jesus loves her, she was never ours in the first place. She is a child of God first. If he wants her home she will go home. Pray Bob, relax. I am tired. I am deliriously tired.
Antonio is here with me, my grandma is here with me, my little brother is here. Bob, my mom, and the midwives are at the hospital. I fall asleep. I wake up and have to go to the bathroom. Everyone is in another room sleeping, it has been a long night. I get up to go to the bathroom. I’m going to pass out, oh crap. I fall to the ground and kind of catch myself. I manage to stay conscious. Grandma? Grandma? Can you come help me? My grandma is strong. Wow she is stronger than me. She picked me up off the ground. She loves me huh? She is so awesome. I love my grandma. Thank you for being here I, I say. Thank you for helping us, I think, I am so glad you are here.
She helps me back to bed. I fall asleep. Bob is back, they are back. Hi Bob, it’s fine, don’t worry. Bob and I are staying the night. I keep passing out. I want to stay, I don’t feel great. My mom, grandma, brother, and Antonio leave. Bob and I stay, we talk a bit, we hug, we sleep.
In the morning our midwife got us almond and chocolate croissants for breakfast, they were really good. I feel a bit confused. Where is the baby? Bob explains everything again, it's foggy. I am still so tired. I had two days of contractions then another day of active labor right? Right. I feel confused. Should we go visit her? Are we supposed to go visit her? I’m tired. We take an Uber home. My grandma and mom cook. I lay in bed. We talk finances, I need to fund raise. I start a GoFund me page.
After lunch we went to visit her. I cried when I went to visit. I had to walk down a long hallway and I was tired. I sat, and was ok. I cried while putting on a hospital robe and a mask, put on a hair net. My glasses fogged up. I walked in the room but had to sit down, I was crying. She had a tube in her lungs, breathing for her. I was crying, “Hi baby.” We talked to her and she stirred and it upset her. We were told to not upset her. We sat and looked at her. We went home, our son, my grandma, mom, and brother were with us.
We went to visit the baby every afternoon but only for a few hours. That week was a blur, I remember when they let me touch her foot for the first time. The took the tube out. They let me touch her foot. They let me touch her hand. They let me feed her a bottle, they let me try to breastfeed her then took her away and gave her a bottle. I brought breastmilk to the hospital but the nurses gave her formula sometimes. I didn’t care. I was just happy she could eat and breathe.
I was so happy to have my family there with us. It was happy to come home from the hospital to people that love us. I’m glad it was in our plan to have our daughter make it.
The first 4 days Bob and I just continuously thanked God we were able to get pregnant at all and the joy of it all, thanked God we could hold our daughter even once. After the doctor was sure she would make it we breathed and thanked God again.
Seraphim is now 5 months old. I love her a little more every day just like I love Antonio more every day. Just like I love the other 8 boys in our room that we care for. Family is more than just genetics.
Bob's Pespective
Having a new born is kind of crazy. Lots of crying and pooping. Great nights of sleep are rare. Bouncing, rocking, patting her on the back all day long. 3 bounces per 5 seconds though, not any more. Unless she cries. Then she wants more. Or less. Or maybe neither. Maybe she just needs her diaper changed. Nope. But then she as soon as you put her diaper back on, she craps in it. So back off the diaper goes. Clean her up. Put a new diaper on. Maybe that will make her happy. Nope, now she's crying. Maybe she wants to be naked (yes, she loves to). Yes, she's happy! But no, cause now she wants a hat on. Or socks that never can stay on anyways. Or is hungry and wants milk. Or is mad for no reason. Now she fell asleep. So maybe she was just tired. Or did she exhaust herself from crying and just knocked herself out? I'm unsure and I certainly cant ask her. Perhaps I can find out when she wakes up in the next 5 to 50 minutes. But probably not. She may wake up smiling. Or upset about something completely different that I may or may not figure out. We have a incredible baby. She sleeps well, doesn't cry often, and overall is very happy. Being a first time dad, that says a lot. But being a new dad is exhausting. Lets be frank here: babies are time consuming and kind of annoying. To see her sitting and being happy and not needing anything would be great. Even if just for an hour. Or half of one. Or less. No matter how annoying or how difficult, the rare moments when she is truly satisified and content are incredible. Laying sucking on her hand. Or kicking her feet around and shaking her arms thinking God knows what. And the smiles! And these moments aren't great because I get to rest and relax for a few minutes. They are great because I have a brief moment when she is so content, that I can sit there and stare in awe of how beautiful and precious she is. Truly and uniquely precious. Today, I was imagining the same view point from God: always working with us, always patient, and always excited and in complete awe and admiration of his creation. How great we are loved that we can never understand. Even with all of our flaws. Our infinite flaws. And he loves for the most miniscule of things: the hair on our head (or lack thereof, in my case). And not just any hair. But every hair. Not just one. Not just the most beautiful. The longest. The shortest. The weird curly hair that doesn't really belong anywhere. The matted bed hair that never combs out. Little peach fuzz hair. The most magnificent hair imaginable is as equally beautiful as some slightly remaining hair you accidentally burnt off as a child. And He loves for so much more than the hair. The way you smile, or the speed at which you walk, or the way you read the time on a clock. Imagine someone so infatuated with you that when you say the time out loud, they are literally excited just to hear you say "10 o'clock." Like we all have a super fan that knows every tiny detil about us. More than we even know about ourselves. ------------ Our baby Seraphim was born very sick. She came out a little blue, gained a little color, and went back to blue. Increased to purple. We kept clearing her lungs out but her breathing never improved much. An hour after her birth, the midwife realized something was off. We jumped in the car and started driving to the closest hospital that would accept us. Thirty minute drive or longer in absolutely crazy Guatemala City rush hour traffic. One midwife driving, another and myself in the back of the car with the baby trying to keep her going. Trying my best not to vomit from severe car sickness, getting tossed back and forth in the back seat, holding a tube up to her nose so she could continue to breathe. They tell me that all she knows at this point in life is my voice, so the more I talk the better. Each time I try to catch my breathe, she fades a little. Her tiny little purple fingers holding onto my index finger. The midwife informs us that if she goes unconscious we may not be able to wake her up again. So each time she fades, her fingers losing their grip on mine, her mouth dropping open and her little head starting to tilt backwards, we begin to pinch the bottom of her feet and rub her back furiously, literally hurting her back into consciousness.
At the hospital the medical team goes into action and I am able to breathe for a minute, but not because things are better, because they take her away and leave me there waiting. Trying to comprehend everything that's going on. Some time later, a 10,000 bill is given to me. Before I am able to contact the bank and get clearance to spend that much money at once, another updated bill of 20,000 is handed over. In a country I can barely speak the language. In a country that if the bill is not paid, treatment can be stopped.
A moment of frustration finally overcomes me and I ask God why he is doing this. I begin questioning Him, and telling Him that He is wrong to do this. But before I can finish my thought, a level of calm comes over me. My prayer and thoughts completely change course, and I realize that she really isn't my baby in the first place. She never will be. She is God's more than she will ever be mine. And He loves her. More than I ever can. More than I can ever even understand. I can not even comprehend the amount of love He has for her, let alone have the ability to experience it. He knows the hairs on her head better and more completely than I can ever know anything about her.
Today, Seraphim is alive and well. She is very healthy and strong. And advancing much faster than a typical baby. October eighteenth in Guatemala City, I may have stopped her from literally dieing, but I didn't save her.
Our current financial status:
Savings account balance: $550.32 (Goal $2,500)
Cost for Baby Doctor: $0 ($2,175.00 paid off)
State tax debt: $0 ($560.00 paid off)
Federal tax debt: $524.00 ($1736.00/$2,260.00)
Unemployment over payment debt: $2,563.00
Heather's Federal Student loans: $21,205.92
Bob's Federal Student Loans: $121,816.20
Total current debt:146,109.12
