Pulled out like a weed
The truth is... that I knew orphanages are bad for children before I ever went to Guatemala.
I knew the effects of long-term stress on a developing brain, about neural connections/neural pruning, trauma informed care, secure attachment, the import role culture plays in development, how love changes brain chemistry, and how family can shape how you see yourself.
I knew all of this when I first saw the MoreThanCompassion powerpoint slide about a mission trip to Guatemala at church.
Our first trip to Guatemala was a week long. We went to work on a new school, The School Of Hope, and to provide some individual attention. The school was first built as part of an effort to improve the lives of children that lived in the Fundacion Salvacion.
Then I met them. Valesca and Vilma, Brian and Eduardo, Maria and Andrea, Betziada and Gloria, Luz and Cristal, and so many more. Everything changed. They were no longer a concept or an idea I learned in college. They were no longer statistics, they were flesh and blood… staring right at me.
We began our relationship with the Fundacion as sponsors. We sponsored 2 girls that first year, a $60/month commitment. We also wrote to them and other kids we met and connected with, like Brian and Eduardo, two preteen boys that I never expected to meet. I used to be intimidated by teenage boys and their behavior, that’s funny to me looking back now.
I took a zillion photos on that trip. I knew about the savior complex and orphan tourism… but when I was thinking how I should treat the kids I thought how I would want to be treated. I pictured my Aunt, Uncle, and cousins that came to visit us when I was a kid. We didn’t see them every day, more like once every several years. They didn’t babysit me, take me to school, I didn’t know them very well... but they were fun and brought exotic toys. I was excited to see them and talk to them. I begged my cousins to speak German. It was so cool. We have a zillion pictures from when they came to visit because it was special when they came to visit.
We knew even before my friend responded to my fundraising post with an “orphan tourism” article. We had no intentions of going once, snapping a million photos and never going back or hurting them by forming close bonds and disappearing. We knew what orphan tourism was and we tried to not be like that. I tried to act like my family members that lived out of town. Throughout the year we sent them gifts, Facebook chatted with them, wrote them letters, and prayed for them. We built relationships because I wanted to be a friend/mentor if they ever needed someone to talk to. I wanted to tell them that they are special and unique and wonderful.
We worked and saved all year so we could go back to the Fundacion. We were never great at fundraising (thank you to everyone that has supported us along the way anyways!) We went back to Guatemala for a month in 2015. We were pulled because the Fundacion was a magical place like nothing I had ever experienced. Let me be clear, this was because of the individual children. An orphanage is no place for a child to grow up, I knew that then and I know that now.
During that visit we knew we wanted to get more serious about donating and we knew that if we were going to support them, we needed to know more. Bob and I interviewed the children about their care, we interrogated the staff about their vision. We asked them about family-style care and challenged their model for helping children.
How could they justify asking people to donate to help an orphanage? I heard it’s cheaper AND better to support parents directly. Why should we donate to you instead? We had great discussions and were met with honesty. We learned that they were exactly the kind of ministry we were looking to support. We came to terms with the reality of the situation. Until change can be made in the whole country an entire generation of children are growing up in less-than-adequate homes. I knew several of those kids. It was no longer a concept, they had stories, and faces, and I loved them. We were on board.
We sponsored 5 children that second year, a $150 a month commitment. We paid four school sponsorships and paid the expenses for one girl to live in a young-mothers home. We wrote them, skyped them, supply-money to their teachers, and fun-money to their house parents. We wanted to be great sponsors. We worked extra hours, we saved so we could visit them again, so we could bring them books and supplies, so we could take them out for some fun from the orphanage. The kids loved when their sponsors came to visit. It was a person coming just for them, it was individual attention and lots of fun.
We closely followed More Than Compassion (which later changed their name to Story International.) We read every blog post, celebrated the successes, and prayed for the challenges. We learned about their teaching program. We wanted to apply to teach in 2017. Lots of things in the Fundacion and at the School Of Hope were changing for the better… nutritious food, cleaner facilities, a water purification system, adequate staff, and psychologists/ social workers working to reunite families where possible. We read a blog post written by staff members we met at the Fundacion and learned they were launching a new house parent program. We knew that throwing money at an orphanage, even if it looks like Disneyland, could not change the fact that it’s still just an orphanage.
The program was important because many children in the home would be there long term because they were not adoptable, had little hope for reunification and would not be put in foster care (due to a lack of foster parents.) Putting each child in the best situation possible is the goal. The idea was to put children in a family-like group within the fundacion. Previously, many of the room leaders were institutionalized teenagers or part of the Fundacion itself when they were younger. Traumatized children caring for traumatized children.
Yes…
I know that it is always ideal for children to be raised by someone in their own culture but English-speaking house parents...
would mean the children would speak english...
which would mean they could grow up and BAM be employable.
Also, this was just the start. The long-term idea was to find/train Guatemalan house parents.
In April 2016 we got an email from Story. They were looking for house parents. We applied and were accepted! (Read that blog post here) I worked 3 jobs to pay down debt, we fundraised, we saved and scrimped. We did not speak Spanish. I had little experience and only partial psychology, child development, and teaching degrees. We were not prepared for the job, but we were willing to help continue the progress.
When we first moved, we focused on learning how to live in Guatemala. We began learning Spanish and we covered the Parvulos (little boy’s) room for a week as part of our training (read that blog post here) We were helped by a 13 year old boy, Antonio, that spoke English fluently, and he began teaching us Spanish. We started to develop relationships based on more than just letters and gifts. We had an apartment in the back of the Fundacion and worked in the front during the day.
Today, when I look at the photos from that time I feel a deep hollow sadness. Sometimes I want what I had then, an endless potential with my future children. I was ready to mentor, support, guide, and watch them grow up. I was ready for a whole childhood, to help build this program that I believed in. I didn’t yet know which kids we would get but I had already been praying for their well being, progress, future, development, families, health, and their relationship with God for months.
We had no idea Story owned the school but not the Fundacion. We did not know that we would gain a family and then be forced to loose them.
During that first month we were told to see who we felt we could work with. The Escolares were the “crazy” ones. Guess who we got assigned to? They used to dangle cockroaches in front of me and say “watch... gross, huh?” as they slipped it into their mouth, chewed, and swallowed. They threatened to run away, they tried to run away, they hid under the bed and in trees, they stole fireworks, money, and bleach and paint thinner to get high. They lied, manipulated, had meltdowns, tantrums, and sometimes rage… but I could handle it. I could see the defiance, I could see them as just little boys. 9 Little boys living in a crowded room with a teenage girl caring for them. 9 little boys with no clean socks, and mattresses that smelled like urine.
The Escolares changed our life.
That first week I scrubbed mattresses, put them in the sun, made beds, sewed pillow cases and clothes, cleaned scrapes, had pillow fights, went swimming, cooked pizza, sang bedtime songs, and read books. But I was also tough. I made them eat ALL their vegetables, shower, and brush their teeth.They cleaned the floor with a scrub brush for bullying the little kids, ran laps around the basketball court for throwing food, and wrote lines in a notebook for being disrespectful. We gave them clean towels and athletes foot spray, cleaned their shoes, and cut their hair. Two of them spoke decent English, our Teenager spoke perfect English, we attempted to begin learning Spanish. The little ones thought that was hilarious.
A few weeks later a boy in our room moved to the parvulos room to be with his brother and one of the Parvulos came to be with us. We were putting families together… progress. Families belong together and should be together when possible.
It was also decided we would get a different room, one with a kitchen. We celebrated. We moved from the apartment in the back into the new, bigger room where we could all be together… like a normal family. We then added two little ones into our room, the little brothers of two of our boys.
Progress. Progress. Progress.
We had 11 boys to care for. We had a kitchen, a big bathroom. We even had our own room... but we decided to share it with the 4 and 5 year old to protect them.
Sexual abuse is a real problem in orphanages. Before Story got involved and increased the staff… there were unsupervised children, many of whom have experienced trauma, and were not receiving any sort of therapy or direction. We were WAY in over our heads.
We worked on it. We talked to them about boundaries, about what is healthy, normal, and appropriate. We coached them, we listened to them. We created rules, created a safe environment. We read books, we sought advice.
Progress. Progress. Progress.
None of my boys were abused in the 19 months we were employed at the Fundacion.
Progress. Progress. Progress.
Hours of hard work. Long hours, long, long, hours. It was worth every second. We stayed up in the night when one was sick, we woke up early to get them ready for school. I woke up extra early to cook a nutritious breakfast and sometimes to pour 13 cups of coffee (they LOVED coffee.) I wrote them letters on valentines day and gave them chocolate, I baked birthday cakes, I baked muffins just because they asked me to. They never could just ask for food before so I gave them a snack shelf in the refrigerator. I created a mantra “remember what I said? I’ll never let you go hungry. If you are hungry you don’t need to steal… just ask and I’ll cook for you.” I cooked, sewed, cooked, sewed, talked, talked, talked... taught, cleaned, and cleaned.
My own words haunt me now. I told them I would “always make sure” they had food. I told them they didn’t have to worry. I learned that Story did not have legal control of the Fundacion. I had no idea what that would mean in the future. I started to worry.
There was a fire in an orphanage in the city. Several children died and the abuse there was finally exposed. The government decided to take action after years of reported abuse in the home. They began to rehome children.
One of the victims previously lived at the Fundacion.
They had sent her away. Her 3 siblings were still at the Fundacion.
They sent her away and she died.
The Fundacion, being run by Story, accepted several of the children being re-homed. One of the boys would be with us because I was the only staff member that spoke sign language. When we learned he was coming I baked chocolate banana bread for them when they arrived. We made coffee. They were sobbing, screaming. They were in blankets, it was cold, they had driven through the night. They drank, ate, and went to bed. The teachers took turns sleeping in the room with them. One girl tried to kill herself. An orphanage should be the last option.
Children belong in families.
Now we had 12 boys. My husband and I were expecting a baby. We were excited to have a baby in our big, happy, messed up, love-filled family. We learned about the boys. We listened to them. I rocked them to sleep. I read them books, I did homework with them. I learned their favorite characters, favorite foods, favorite memories.
I heard about their stories, the ones that they don’t talk about. They cried, I cried. I love them. I hurt with them. I felt sick to my stomach when they told me their stories. I felt sick to my stomach when they told me about their lives IN the Fundacion “before Alycia came.” They told me about that one leader they had that was a “bad guy,” the lack of food, the lack of supervision, the punishments. I hugged them a little tighter every day. I promised to never leave them. I promised to do what I can for them.
I promised. I meant it.
In September, 2017, we went to the city to have our baby. We called the boys every day while we were gone. I missed them so much. Our baby was born with Pneumonia, she nearly died. She was in the ICU for a week. We stayed in the city for 2 months. When she was well we came back to the Fundacion to be with our boys. They adored their little sister. I expected jealously, I did not expect affection and amazement. We were tired, the boys were patient. I took care of them, and they took care of me.
Israel went home to be with his mom. We celebrated and we missed him. We keep in touch.
The director of Story met with the family that owned the Fundacion. The family wanted to retake leadership responsibilities after a time of a hands-off approach to ownership.The directors were replaced, half of the staff quit, the kids were angry and confused. Story could not financially support the Fundacion without knowing where the money would go. The family refused and decided they wanted a clean split. Story was forced to pull funding. The family then pulled the kids out of The School Of Hope which is a free, high-quality private school that was built with the needs of the “Fund kids” in mind. We were sick and terrified.
We went home for Christmas. We came back to a new director.
The family allowed us to continue our job, we were so grateful. We were now employed directly through the Fundacion. As long as we could stay with our sons, we would make it work.
The kids were eating noodles for every meal. The Fundacion remodeled the office.
The children started a public school. The Fundacion couldn’t afford supplies, uniforms, or shoes.
The food pantry was dangerously empty. The Fundacion bought all the staff ID cards.
We felt sick, afraid, and sad. We held on. We fought for our kids.
We now had 18 in our room, 12 boys and 6 girls.
Max and his sisters went home.
Milton moved into the older boys room.
Antonio moved into the older boys room.
The Fund moved the remaining two girls into a girls room.
We had 8 boys after that.
Their public school has no clean water, no kitchen (they bring wood on Mondays so the cook can make snack over a fire), and frequently cancels class. My kids were singled out, the kids laughed at their old uniforms, at the lice in their hair. A parent said to our confused 5 year old “oh poor thing with no parents.” “I’m his mom AND he has another mom he is so lucky!” I snapped back. Their teachers expected them to fail. We struggled through homework, I bought them books, shoes, and cut their hair myself. We talked about determination and the importance of school.
Things got difficult.
The fund started to function as a business. The director said “I don’t know why kids wouldn’t want to live here. They are lucky. It’s like Disneyland.” She was out of touch with reality. She wanted a clean home with no behavior issues.
The food was rationed, it was cheap. We got them vitamins, we took them to the doctor when they were sick and paid for it out of pocket. We fundraised for shoes and books and more food.
We began to see the vision of the new director. In her first staff meeting she said “the kids are lucky to have us. They could be on the streets. If they don’t like it they can leave.”
If that sounds reasonable to you… you are wrong. A child belongs in a family. Anything less is a tragedy and an injustice. Children are NOT lucky to be in an orphanage. What a joke. I felt disgusted. Time went by, we did our best.
We went home to visit family with our baby.
We came back and everything was different. We knocked on our door and a man answered we did not know.
The boys were happy to see us.
We were really happy to see them.
We met with the director the next day. We were no longer house parents. We were leaders. We would work one day and have the next day off, rotate on a 24 hour schedule… “so the kids could have consistency.” I was confused. We were stability, we were there years before she was. I felt like speaking up. I was afraid she would fire me. We were consistency. We worked months straight without a day off, with nobody to help us. That is when they were the best behaved.
When we started our work day that man was with us. We went to talk to the director, I must have misunderstood which day was mine.
She told us that the Escolares were “really bad” and that we had “helpers” because we had “no idea how bad they were.” I was confused. I actually laughed out loud and reminded her that I had worked there for a LONG time with the boys and they could not surprise me. She said that it isn’t a competition and it wasn’t negotiable. We left with a new schedule: Noon until after dinner chores, Monday-Friday. I felt like we were being replaced. Bob was ready to begin stepping down, I was not.
In some ways she was right… the Escolares were being disrespectful, they refused to do chores, wouldn’t come to eat, didnt do homework… but not when I was there. They told me they didn’t like one of their leaders, that he was mean to them. They didn’t like the food, why come eat? And best of all, that the Fundacion told Jairon he didn’t need to go to school. I didn’t believe him.
I went to their school later in the week to talk to their teachers. I learned that one of our boys had not been to school since we left for the states, over a month. I was totally shocked. I went back to the director to complain. She basically said “well he didn’t want to go.” I talked to the boys, reminded them that education is their future. I told them that I want them to go to school for them. We began catching up on his schoolwork. Two days later he stopped going to school again. I was fighting a battle… and I was losing. In 8 hours I was at the Fundacion I gave it everything I had but it was not enough. The boys did their chores but the house had started to fall down, the foundation bricks were being removed.
Losing a job is easy, I’ve been fired before. This is not like that, this is not some job. The boys began to sense we were being replaced. They began to push even us away. They were confused, they asked me to just adopt them. If it were that easy I would not have hesitated. If we had any legal right to stop the series of events we would have. We could not challenge the rules, we could not stop them from dressing them up in uniforms to go to the movies, like they were being put on a fundraising display.
It wasn’t one big thing, it was several situation. The boys stopped doing chores completely, they started to bully the smaller kids. My boys began to regress. I thought about “Where the Wild Things are.” I loved them. I loved their wild behaviors, I loved every second. I felt them slipping away. I watched it every day, step by step. I was very angry when I saw them playing on the same bed together. The leader looked confused even though we had discussed the sexual abuse issue multiple times. When I came back in the room they were on his bed with him. Later that week I would be reporting him for hitting them. Later that month I would be reporting him again for hurting other kids too. I tried to tell them. I wonder if I did enough.
The fundacion had a nurse come talk to them about personal hygiene and sex ed. I was relieved. The boys laughed through it, “Heather already told us that.” They repeated several times. She asked “what do you do if someone touches you inappropriately?” They looked unimpressed. “Tell someone you trust.” Without missing a beat one of my boys shouted “what if there isn’t anyone at the Fundacion that we trust?”
They trusted me. We were walking through life together, we were scratching the surface of deep trauma. Two years of long nights, early mornings, exhausting days… and it feels unfair. I can’t help but feel robbed. We were building something of an immeasurable value, they trusted me and now my son is worried he will have nobody around him he trusts.
I had several small talks with the boys. I was sick over them. I could feel our family drifting apart and, logically, I knew the right thing to do was to prepare them. Emotionally they were ripping me apart. I asked them “Why do we work here?” “BECAUSE YOU LOVE US!” Jairon quickly answered, full of confidence. “Because you want us to be good men!” Joshua added. We talked about integrity, about doing the right thing… even when nobody is watching you. We talked about how to raise children, how to be good adults, how to determine what is right and wrong.
They got it, and several adults could not grasp it. I am there for them, to help them grow up, to walk with them through the troubles. I am NOT there for the weird looks I get for grocery shopping with 8 boys. I am NOT there for the “those kids are so lucky to have you.” If you forgot, they are not lucky to be in an orphanage.
What is lucky about being an orphan for Christ's sake? What is lucky about being abandoned? About being forgotten? About wearing clothes that are too small? About being "just" a number? About sharing one bathroom with 15 people? About everyone looking down on you? About NOT HAVING A FAMILY? "They are lucky to be here and not on the streets." That is the dumbest shit I have ever heard.
There is nothing "lucky" about being an orphan.
The goal they are heading towards, well behaved children in a clean facility is going to be difficult to obtain. My boys are smart, they know that the Fundacion is concerned with image. If they don’t do their chores someone else will...If they complain about school… they don’t have to go. If they want well behaved kids they should start by first taking care of the whole child.
It has become tragically apparent we were only at the Fundacion to phase out. We were helpers, not house parents. We no longer had the ability to help them. We actually feared we were making it easier on the Fundacion to implement things we didn’t believe in by working for free and covering the costs of the boys the Fundacion would/could not.
I wish I could say that my last day at the fund was a beautiful goodbye, that I was able to explain myself and they listened. I wish I could say that they noticed when I left and it was a point of protest that was taken seriously. Unfortunately I feel like there are countless things left unsaid, that I will never have the opportunity to express. Even if I did, I’m certain it would be useless.
The day I quit the Fundacion I came to work and saw 5 of my 8 boys watching TV. A group was there, standing around a table of their donations looking proud. I wondered if they knew Jairon hadn’t been to school in 2 months. I wondered if they would even care. I walked in the TV room “WHY AREN'T YOU AT SCHOOL?!” I pleaded, exasperated. I was distraught, sad, desperate, disappointed, helpless. I worked SO hard with them on their school work, I felt like stomping my foot and throwing myself on the floor.
I sent them to bed. I lectured them. I handed out punishments. They laughed. School was no longer important. The knew their other leaders would not enforce rules/punishments and that we worked part time.
It hit me. I was totally powerless, I was no longer their parent. It was time.
I told them I had to quit. I hugged them, I cried, they hugged baby Sera. They understood what was happening and they didn’t. We had talked about it so many times but it felt unfair. They asked if I was angry they didn’t go to school. They asked if I was crying because they had been bad. They asked me to stay. They promised to go to school.
Integrity is doing what is right… even when nobody's watching. The boys were watching. I told them that I love them too much to work for someone that is making their home an orphanage again. I hope when they are big they listen to their inner voice and do what is right, even though sometimes it feels unfair.
I walked to the office and quit. I cried.
I could hear the girls yelling at me through the gate as I walked away. I cried.
I walked home. I cried.
I had to remember what it was like when I wrote this blog. I cried.
The next day the Fundacions board decided that all former and current Story staff are no longer welcome. Mission teams from America still visit. They just have no idea.
We can’t go see our children any more.
If I type it in all caps will you understand what that means?
WE CAN’T GO SEE OUR CHILDREN ANY MORE.
I heard a rumor that if we "take back" the reports that we would be able to visit them.
I am flooded with grief. I feel like a weed that has been abruptly yanked from my soil long before I was ready. Still, I do not regret the mission we came here for, the love that we poured in, or the relationships we have built. We are here for them, they will forever be my sons. I will be available when they are 14 and when they are 40.
I have not walked away, I never intended to.
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What does the future hold?
Right now, I miss my babies.
Next week I am meeting with Story to possibly take on a role in their office, depending on our ongoing fundraising ability. Stay tuned for next month’s blog for more information on that.
We want to let our supporters know that we are here to answer any questions you may have about what this means in the near and long-term future.
We are eternally grateful to everyone that has supported us. God has a plan to fill in all the puzzle pieces. Thank you for being a piece.
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We believe that transparency is very important. We are open and honest about our situation and what we do with your donations. That's what this section is about.
Our current financial status:
Savings account balance: $500 (Goal $500)
Cost for Baby Doctor:($2,175 paid off)
State tax debt: ($560 paid off)
Federal tax debt: ($2,260 paid off)
Unemployment over payment debt: $2,563
($2563 in May, 2017)
Heather's Federal Student loans: $20,878
($21,023 original in May, 2017)
Bob's Federal Student Loans: $123,469
($116,282 original in May, 2017)
Total current debt: $149,910
(Have paid off $5,140)
June's budget:
$1,269 Income
($700 working online, $569 fund raised)
-$170 Fill Emergency Fund
-$111 Rent
-$363 Seraphim Vaccinations/ Pediatrician
-$300 Groceries
-$153 Insurance (Health, Life, Identity Theft)
-$40 Personal spending money
-$20 WIFI
-$15 Cell Phone Service
-$97 Escolares & Miscellaneous
You can learn more about supporting our mission HERE.
